And you didnt do that. Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience? And thats not easy. It seems very unfair to prohibit my bisexual teen from having sleepovers just because they happen to be attracted to both genders. Or Scotch tape. They average a screaming match a day, often over completely idiotic stuff like one of them walking too fast for the other to keep up with, or cooking with cheese when the other has a dairy intolerance. My husband and I feel overwhelmed and scared, but we love our daughter unconditionally and feel determined to build a fun, fulfilling, and happy life for our family. When Daisy does visit, it is a crapshoot whether shell have a good time or come home in tears. The thing is, I have very little contact with my daughters. Photo by Getty Images Plus. She voices every thought that comes into her head, including telling my husband and me what to do with our child, despite being childless herself. Of course children must be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents. Shes very patient, kind, and funnyof course he likes her! They complain about weaponized body odor and accuse each other of always shouting at me. It used to be theyd at least pretend to be interested in how each others days had gone before the arguments started every night, but now they often blow up the second theyre both home from work. I have two beautiful daughters. That doesnt mean its necessarily a good way to do this, of course. All rights reserved. Ive heard testimony from numerous twins that this is not a good idea because it makes it harder for them to create an identity. Lately, I have been teaching my 6-year old daughter about death and grieving. The thing is, Im also really worried about my dads health. Hes been going on about Kaylie for a month nowtalking about what Kaylie said at the meetings, how nice/pretty she is, etc.and Im starting to get concerned. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. He does the bare minimum (at most) of what's required in school, in extracurriculars, at home, etc. And how do we support him as he struggles? Ft. 538 Old Greenfield Rd, Peterborough, NH 03458. I paid for him to obtain a six-month programming certification and am guiding him through next steps to begin a professional career. Hopefully, the kids will learn to ignore their mothers claims about you. Jamilah Lemieux and. Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience. He had frequent outbursts, consisting of yelling and swearing. I know its not an ideal scenario, but it may provide a way to force her to confront how she has behaved and push her in another direction. Things can change, but only if you do something about them. And the specifics of what you relate (her mother criticized clothing youd helped her pick out; her mother spoke disparagingly about her father), while not great, dont seem to me to fall into the category of abuse. Nor does an insensitive, dismissive remark about PMS. But where your daughters are concerned, Id suggest you be frank with them about your wish to connect with them. The failure of some friends now doesnt mean you are or will always be alone in this, or in your love for and joy in your child. In any case, I am pretty sure your in-laws are fully aware of their inconsistent treatment of their two children, and that they are relieved (perhaps even grateful?) My husband hurt himself by accident and swore very loudly in front of our son. My stepbrothers are 9 (twins), and my half-sisters are 6 and 4. We have a 3-year-old son, and we love the family name we picked for him. I have met this friend-of-a-friend at a few parties, but we have never been very close, and I have never interacted with the brother. Thats not a bad idea anyway, since it would give you a chance to read over and revise it before sending it. ), As to your second question: For goodness sake, stay out of it. How online advice columns teach us to tell our own stories. But your situation seems to me pretty complicatedmore complicated than boundary-setting, accepting boundaries, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact. Kids are adaptable, and speaking from experience, I honestly cant even remember what it was like as an 11-year-old when I moved from Massachusetts to North Carolina, back to Massachusetts in the span of 18 months. (By comparison: For his 40th, my husband got $100 toward something he wanted and my father and I paid the rest. I encouraged my daughter-in-law to attend the dinner with him while I cared for their 4-month-old. Explain that you know its difficult for them to hear these things about you and that you dont want them to be caught in the drama between you and your ex, but that you have no choice but to defend yourself. And watching their grandmothers treatment of their younger brother cannot be good for your other children, either. I have an 8-year-old son who is really, really smart but really, really stubborn. He has a crushhis first one, I guess (or at least the first one hes told you about). I would cry, avoid, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder. Hes a loving man so she stays and I understand how tough that would be. I told him I just wanted them to have a couple of hours out of the house and obviously the baby hadnt been THAT hungry if he kept refusing bottles. WhichI am just guessing heremight also be the case. Im at a loss for how to keep her from alienating my kids from me without directly telling the kids their mom is behaving in an unethical, harmful, and manipulative way. Photo illustration by Slate. My 8-year-old son loves reading the books and getting to talk with other kids about them, but he also really likes Kaylie, the girl running the book club. slate advice columns care and feeding. This will not be an easy discussion, and if your MIL lives with you because she has few or no other options, that could make it even harder. Including the parenting and rules I have for her children. My stepbrothers dad died about a year after their mom married my dad, so my dad and their mom have full custody of them. You may want to dial that back a bit unless you want to be greeted with eye rolls and side-eyes. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Im finally realizing that I think my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive. I hope one day soon you will feel sure that this is doablethat you are actually doing it alreadyand in the meantime, Im sending you every possible good wish. ao tw Howtobuild a land drain. He needs to understand that talking about something as intimate as this could damage his relationship with her if she ever learned about it. If you repeatedly ask him to stop using hurtful and/or inappropriate language and he persists, yes, you can and absolutely should set some consequences. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Whether or not her mom overindulges her, wanting to pick which college she goes to and where she lives hardly makes your daughter a spoiled brat. I tell him his sister isnt into it (obviously, shes not), and I usually tell him I dont feel like putting on gloves either. The hard part is informing them that after this is over, youre done with being their financial and emotional savior. Though Im sure youve given this some thought, let me remind you that you can take your ex to court to try and force her into mediation. I know you are a good man, but unless you get help for your issues right away, Ill have to limit your time around my kids.. My wife feels strongly that this is a kind of appropriation, and that this title should be something special for my mother. Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience? All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Your letter was largely about other considerations, thoughnamely, your own wants and opinionsso lets focus on the lede you semi-buried here: Your own college experience wasnt what you hoped it would be. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. My children (10, 8, 6, and 5) have been attending school virtually since March. Uh, No Thanks. slate advice columns care and feedingconejos river outfittersconejos river outfitters Let them know that you can see how unhappy their marriage is (you can offer chapter and verse), that its making you miserable to be living in the midst of it, and that you want them to know that you would be happier and overall much better off if they separated. navajo blanket seat covers; is tecno phantom x waterproof; slate advice columns care and feeding Photo by SvetaOrlova/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Theyre each individually nice people, but they are absolutely TERRIBLE together. They attend joint therapy, but her mom doesnt seem to be making any progress. At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. Have a question for Care and Feeding? ), From this weeks letter,Ive Had It With Other Peoples Comments About My Baby: Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! For my sake, how can I get them to do this? Dear Care and Feeding, We have a fourth grader who is generally an easy kid, well-behaved, and really fun. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. All rights reserved. He gagged and spit up. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a kid receiving innocuous compliments about her good looks, because positive reinforcement of any kind usually yields positive results. The range of whats normal is huge: Some people are in contact with their adult children every day (I know some who are in touch many times a day! To give you an idea, a window in the shower now has no glass and abuts the back of the kitchen cabinets in the addition. Dear Care and Feeding, My daughter is beautiful. I love my younger siblings, though I sometimes feel more like an uncle than a brother. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Youre not raising him with unrealistic or sexist views about love if you dont discourage him in his adoration of Kaylie. The last visit involved insults to Daisys new clothes (which we picked out specifically to impress her mom), insults to Daisys father, and then the declaration that Daisy was only upset because she was PMSing. Some of the applications have a series of essay questions. Then we just stopped reacting to it hoping that would stop it. Explain this to him, and tell him that not all words are for him to use, even if he reads them in a book. When will it end? Im pretty sure I am overreacting, but I still dont know if I should discourage him or not. When he does the work, hes lazy, resents having to do multiple steps on things, and doesnt follow directions well. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. Photo illustration by Slate. How do I get over this? We have tried to tell her to call one of us in to discipline him, but she does not do so consistently. All English Franais. One of the main jobs of parenting is to raise children to become productive members of society once they reach adulthood. Dear Care and Feeding, My stepson and his wife are constantly asking for money for things they should be handling. Parenting advice on boundaries, new grandparents, and marital trouble. They can see the difference between their family and their friends families. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Even if they werent sure how to respond, they could have tried harder; they could have asked what you needed from them; they could have been more loving. But honestly it feels like we dont have a relationship at all. But for one nursing mom, a fellow mother has become the source of her stress. Slate Plus Members Get More Advice From Jamilah Each Week From this week's letter, My Daughter Broke up With Her High School Boyfriend. When I talk to either of my daughters, there are often long silences, and Ill sometimes hear them sort of impatiently sigh. Theres not a doubt in my mind that the twins you mentioned had their lives ruined because of their similar names, and you shouldnt allow that to happen to your precious children. Trust me when I say that finding your own identity as an identical twin can be incredibly difficult, but its made exponentially more difficult when their names are Terri and Carri or Ricki and Rika. Its not like youre uprooting your family because your new city has the best country music line-dancing dive bars in the state. The other day I put onDaniel Tigerfor him and he said, I dont want to watch that f*ing sh*t. Help me! But it seemed to me wed already said everything there was to say, so I suggested that instead of talking this weekend, we wait and talk when I called for her birthday, two weeks away. In terms of how to support him, I would make sure you take time to listen without judgment. ); some people have contact sporadically. View more recently sold homes. Depending on how bad things have gotten and how many times youve already raised the subject to no avail, an ultimatum might be warranted. But my son said that for now theyd like some space, and hed like me to apologize to my DIL when we do get together. That doesnt mean its necessarily a good idea because it makes it for! A Graham Holdings Company come home in tears main jobs of parenting is to raise children to become members... Grandparents, and doesnt follow directions well take time to listen without judgment him his... Pretty sure I am overreacting, but I still dont know if I should discourage him his. I think my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive without judgment I encouraged my daughter-in-law Blowing! You about ) her mom doesnt seem to be greeted with eye rolls side-eyes! 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